Jokes, Comedy, Fun ... more..: 2008

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Smart Pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Stoopid Baby Names

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Comedy Jokes Rates the New York Subways

Are you tired of having to blindly choose a subway line based on nothing more than your desired destination? Well, those dark days are over. With this handy clip-or-carefully-tear-'N-save guide, you’ll always know which trains are sub-par, and which are sub-tastic!

— A decent, solid, all around subway train, the B will get you from the Upper West Side to the Village in around 15 minutes, which is much better than you'd do on a bus, or even in a cab, depending on the time of day. Most cars are moderately clean, and most platforms are relatively well-lit, with easy access and adequate signage.

GRADE: A
— Nothing says "the East Side" like the 4 train. While it lacks the near-sinful luxury of the A train, the 4 gets high marks for efficiency, cleanliness, and the Matisse (reproductions) that adorn the walls of each car. The mints are a nice touch, and for a trip from Grand Central to Grand Army Plaza, you won't find much better.

GRADE: B
— Plagued with homeless people, roving gangs, and extraordinarily full-throated religious zealots of every conceivable denomination, the F train is a true post-apocalyptic nightmare. On the average trip from the Lower East Side to Herald Square, you can expect to be mugged, stabbed, insulted, and urinated on, often simultaneously. Fares run anywhere from $20 to $300 depending on the whims of the crooked tyrants that operate this line's token booths. If you absolutely must take this train, make sure you hug your family and put your affairs in order before you board.

GRADE: F
— Where do we begin with the A train, the shining jewel in the MTA crown? Fabled in story and song, the A is perhaps best known as Duke Ellington's mass-transit muse. Fresh cut flowers and soft chamber music grace each car, and the complimentary shiatsu massage is to die for. Riders can expect both their waistlines and wallets to swell, thanks to the A's divine foie gras and can't-miss stock tips. Be sure to ask your personal transit facilitator about gift certificates!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Joke Sites

Henny Youngman Jokes – The definitive Henny Youngman collection (Funny2.com)

Steven Wright Jokes - The Master of the Absurd (Funny2.com)

Good Clean Funnies List Archive – This list contains links to clean jokes. (Good, Clean Funnies List)

Yahooligans! Jokes – Provides jokes for kids. Clean jokes in 12 categories with a Joke of the Day feature. (Yahoo Kids)

Leslie Lindeman, Gina Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, PhD contributed to this article. Last modified on: 9/26/07..

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Joke in Bus

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

Railway Station - Time Schedule

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

Saturday, May 31, 2008

VIRUS ALERT

*** VIRUS ALERT ***

If you receive an email entitled "Rumplestiltskin" delete it immediately. Do not open it. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Rumplestiltskin" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

I repeat.... do not open it.

chatch it how is doing

what u think about it

Nice one.... Try reading, keep on laughing !!

Matrimonial ads version -toooooooo funny

These are Girls profiles taken from a matrimonial website.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Blackmail

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your dad a big hug.”

The Vacuum Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

A Wonderful Joke

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

INTERVIEW TECHNIQUES

Interview Techniques

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Sunday, April 20, 2008

History

Back when the news was written on clay tablets there was a lot of breaking news.

Someone would have to clean up the mess with a shovel - ever since, such items have been known as a scoop.

Rabbits on the move

What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hair line!

Dont be too romantic

Men and Women ( a small analysis )

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3.. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

sms joke

Romantic Shero shayaris

ishaq ki jam ko aise na piyo ki adha piya adha chod diya.

yah pyaar hai mere yaar nahi koyi VIM BAR, ki thoda sa lagaya aur ho gaya.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Emma Watson Forcefully Denies Claims That She And Dan Radcliffe Are An Item

Popular actress Emma Watson, who plays Harry Potter's sidekick, Hermione Granger, in the film franchise is sick to death of fans asking if she and Daniel Radcliffe are dating/having sex/getting married/starting a family. So much so that today she strongly set the record straight.

"Daniel and I have never and will never be romantically attached to one another. I would never allow his dirty hands to touch me in that way and I am disgusted that any fans would ever think that he is good enough for me." She screamed. "I have never liked him ever since we met when I was 10 and he laughed at me for having no boobs. Anyhow I believe he is engaged to some slutty nobody called Sophie Jayne or something, well she is welcome to him!" and with that she lit up a fag and stormed off.

Last Request

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

jokes

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

Jokes, Comedy, Fun ... more..