One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Comedy Jokes Rates the New York Subways
Are you tired of having to blindly choose a subway line based on nothing more than your desired destination? Well, those dark days are over. With this handy clip-or-carefully-tear-'N-save guide, you’ll always know which trains are sub-par, and which are sub-tastic!
— A decent, solid, all around subway train, the B will get you from the Upper West Side to the Village in around 15 minutes, which is much better than you'd do on a bus, or even in a cab, depending on the time of day. Most cars are moderately clean, and most platforms are relatively well-lit, with easy access and adequate signage.
GRADE: A
— Nothing says "the East Side" like the 4 train. While it lacks the near-sinful luxury of the A train, the 4 gets high marks for efficiency, cleanliness, and the Matisse (reproductions) that adorn the walls of each car. The mints are a nice touch, and for a trip from Grand Central to Grand Army Plaza, you won't find much better.
GRADE: B
— Plagued with homeless people, roving gangs, and extraordinarily full-throated religious zealots of every conceivable denomination, the F train is a true post-apocalyptic nightmare. On the average trip from the Lower East Side to Herald Square, you can expect to be mugged, stabbed, insulted, and urinated on, often simultaneously. Fares run anywhere from $20 to $300 depending on the whims of the crooked tyrants that operate this line's token booths. If you absolutely must take this train, make sure you hug your family and put your affairs in order before you board.
GRADE: F
— Where do we begin with the A train, the shining jewel in the MTA crown? Fabled in story and song, the A is perhaps best known as Duke Ellington's mass-transit muse. Fresh cut flowers and soft chamber music grace each car, and the complimentary shiatsu massage is to die for. Riders can expect both their waistlines and wallets to swell, thanks to the A's divine foie gras and can't-miss stock tips. Be sure to ask your personal transit facilitator about gift certificates!
— A decent, solid, all around subway train, the B will get you from the Upper West Side to the Village in around 15 minutes, which is much better than you'd do on a bus, or even in a cab, depending on the time of day. Most cars are moderately clean, and most platforms are relatively well-lit, with easy access and adequate signage.
GRADE: A
— Nothing says "the East Side" like the 4 train. While it lacks the near-sinful luxury of the A train, the 4 gets high marks for efficiency, cleanliness, and the Matisse (reproductions) that adorn the walls of each car. The mints are a nice touch, and for a trip from Grand Central to Grand Army Plaza, you won't find much better.
GRADE: B
— Plagued with homeless people, roving gangs, and extraordinarily full-throated religious zealots of every conceivable denomination, the F train is a true post-apocalyptic nightmare. On the average trip from the Lower East Side to Herald Square, you can expect to be mugged, stabbed, insulted, and urinated on, often simultaneously. Fares run anywhere from $20 to $300 depending on the whims of the crooked tyrants that operate this line's token booths. If you absolutely must take this train, make sure you hug your family and put your affairs in order before you board.
GRADE: F
— Where do we begin with the A train, the shining jewel in the MTA crown? Fabled in story and song, the A is perhaps best known as Duke Ellington's mass-transit muse. Fresh cut flowers and soft chamber music grace each car, and the complimentary shiatsu massage is to die for. Riders can expect both their waistlines and wallets to swell, thanks to the A's divine foie gras and can't-miss stock tips. Be sure to ask your personal transit facilitator about gift certificates!
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