Jokes, Comedy, Fun ... more..

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Smart Pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Stoopid Baby Names

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Comedy Jokes Rates the New York Subways

Are you tired of having to blindly choose a subway line based on nothing more than your desired destination? Well, those dark days are over. With this handy clip-or-carefully-tear-'N-save guide, you’ll always know which trains are sub-par, and which are sub-tastic!

— A decent, solid, all around subway train, the B will get you from the Upper West Side to the Village in around 15 minutes, which is much better than you'd do on a bus, or even in a cab, depending on the time of day. Most cars are moderately clean, and most platforms are relatively well-lit, with easy access and adequate signage.

GRADE: A
— Nothing says "the East Side" like the 4 train. While it lacks the near-sinful luxury of the A train, the 4 gets high marks for efficiency, cleanliness, and the Matisse (reproductions) that adorn the walls of each car. The mints are a nice touch, and for a trip from Grand Central to Grand Army Plaza, you won't find much better.

GRADE: B
— Plagued with homeless people, roving gangs, and extraordinarily full-throated religious zealots of every conceivable denomination, the F train is a true post-apocalyptic nightmare. On the average trip from the Lower East Side to Herald Square, you can expect to be mugged, stabbed, insulted, and urinated on, often simultaneously. Fares run anywhere from $20 to $300 depending on the whims of the crooked tyrants that operate this line's token booths. If you absolutely must take this train, make sure you hug your family and put your affairs in order before you board.

GRADE: F
— Where do we begin with the A train, the shining jewel in the MTA crown? Fabled in story and song, the A is perhaps best known as Duke Ellington's mass-transit muse. Fresh cut flowers and soft chamber music grace each car, and the complimentary shiatsu massage is to die for. Riders can expect both their waistlines and wallets to swell, thanks to the A's divine foie gras and can't-miss stock tips. Be sure to ask your personal transit facilitator about gift certificates!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Joke Sites

Henny Youngman Jokes – The definitive Henny Youngman collection (Funny2.com)

Steven Wright Jokes - The Master of the Absurd (Funny2.com)

Good Clean Funnies List Archive – This list contains links to clean jokes. (Good, Clean Funnies List)

Yahooligans! Jokes – Provides jokes for kids. Clean jokes in 12 categories with a Joke of the Day feature. (Yahoo Kids)

Leslie Lindeman, Gina Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, PhD contributed to this article. Last modified on: 9/26/07..

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Joke in Bus

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

Railway Station - Time Schedule

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

Saturday, May 31, 2008

VIRUS ALERT

*** VIRUS ALERT ***

If you receive an email entitled "Rumplestiltskin" delete it immediately. Do not open it. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Rumplestiltskin" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

I repeat.... do not open it.